When striving to build resilience and obstacles arise, setexpectations realistically, do the research and talk to peoplewho've been in a similar position. (Photo: Shutterstock)

Many of us strive to the best: the best business owner, the bestemployee, the best parent. But we stumble along the way. Mistakesare a natural part of any journey, but it's how one adapts andreacts that determine how resilient an individual is. But there ismore to being resilient than just overcoming obstacles. How wethink, accept pain and let go of things in our lives factor intoresiliency. And while everyone may be stylistically different inthese regards, resilience can be developed and learned.

“I think resilience is a coin that has two sides,” AlexLickerman, author of The Undefeated Mind: On the Science ofConstructing an Indestructible Self, told attendees of the recentBenefitsPRO Broker Expo in Miami, Florida. The first side dealswith adversity and how well someone can thrive in the face of suchan event; the flip side relates to how much determination andpassion someone has when reaching a goal, regardless of theobstacles that arise. With this in mind, here are four principlesLickerman shared about learning to be resilient.

1. Expect obstacles

When embarking on something new, whether it be sticking to a NewYear's resolution or switching career paths, most people willexpect challenges along the way. But the degree to whichexpectations determine our experience factor more than one mightassume. “The expectations that we have for an experience or anevent often have a greater impact on the experience of an eventthan the content of the event itself,” Lickerman said.

For example, a father sets out to learn to play the saxophone.After three days, he quits after unsuccessfully being able toproduce a sound. But if he had known it may take upwards of twoweeks to produce any noise whatsoever, his expectations would'vebeen more measured. Additionally, when working towards a goal, manyof us will look to a mentor for guidance. However, Lickerman sayswhat we often don't do enough is ask said mentor about theobstacles that they might've endured along the way.

When striving to build resilience and obstacles arise,Lickerman's advice is to set expectations realistically, do theresearch and talk to people who've been in a similar position.

2. Self-explanatory style

When we reflect on why things happen a certain way, we'retelling ourselves a story. With resilience, the self-explanatorystyle determines whether one's outlook is pessimistic oroptimistic.

The self-explanatory style is also composed of three dimensions:the degree to which a bad thing happens because of some permanentdeficit to us (“I didn't get that client because I'm just notcharismatic enough.”); scope (“Not only did I not get this client,it's going to affect every aspect of my life.”); and duration (“Notonly is it going to affect every part of my life, the impact ofthis failure is going to go on indefinitely.”)

Some individuals have a pessimistic self-explanatory style or anoptimistic self-explanatory style. A study Lickerman cited foundthat a pessimistic self-explanatory style can predict risk ofdepression, which can affect how likely an individual will tryagain or how much harder they'll try in the future. Both styleshave subsets (naïve optimistic self-explanatory style, realisticoptimistic self-explanatory style, depressive pessimisticself-explanatory style and defensive pessimistic self-explanatorystyle), each with its own pros and cons.

“When something bad happens to us, we immediately snap tojudgment,” Lickerman said. It's something we do unconsciously andwe end up believing the story we tell ourselves. His advice:Whenever something bad happens, whatever your style may be, pause,write down a list of why this might've happened and challengeyourself to think, “What if I'm wrong?” Rather than believe thestory we often tell ourselves, look for alternative explanations.This will help foster a sense of resilience.

3. Accept pain

“Pain is actually life sustaining,” Lickerman said. “Pain isprotective. There's a reason it evolved for us.” According toLickerman pain is created in two parts of the brain: one measurespain's quality, the other pain's aversive nature.

The problem with avoiding pain is that it often creates moresuffering. For example, when we attempt to suppress our worries,they can loom even larger and lead to more worrying. In actuality,accepting and feeling pain lowers its intensity.

How can you leverage this principle to be more resilient?Lickerman suggested one way is with a new type of therapy calledA.C.T. (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

4. Let go

“Being resilient must to some degree involve being able to letthings go in your heart that you not able to keep in your life,”Lickerman said.

There are two styles when it comes to loss: sense making andbenefit finding. When we lose something precious to us, we try tomake sense of it. Conversely, benefit finding creates value in themost horrific moments. Ultimately, over time, focusing on thebenefits will help accelerate the grieving process.

Lickerman admitted that dealing with loss is never easy, but “atsome point, you want to ask yourself, was there a benefit thataccrued to me as a result of this loss?”

In total, adapting these principles can help grow the resilientnature we all possess. Learning resilience will be a challenge, butthe end result in the long run will be well worth it.

Read more of our Expo coverage:

• Broker Expo keynote: How to create yourS-T-A-M-P
• Meeting with the C-Suite: Don't mention healthinsurance
• Knowing your worth, and other strategies forbrokers to build their businesses