Guess how many people between the ages of 50 and 80 think thatone day they won’t be able to manage their day-to-day finances?

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Nine percent. And how many of them have watched friends orfamily lose that ability? Sixty percent.

This alarming conflict is reflected in a new study by FidelityInvestments, which also found that while many parents are leery ofburdening their kids by asking for help with their finances, eightout of 10 adult children surveyed said they actually wanted tohelp.

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All this is to say (1) we know you don’t want to have the Money,Aging, and Death Talk, and (2) we know you don’t want to have itover the holidays.

But since that’s when you all get together, it’sa rare opportunity to broach the topic in person. The payoffis peace of mind—and, potentially, a line of defense against thelegions of scammers who target the elderly.

Elder financial abuse is a serious problem. About 17 percent ofseniors said they had been the victim of financial exploitation,according to a March 2016 report by the Consumer FinancialProtection Bureau that cited recent studies. A 2011 MetLife studyestimated that $2.9 billion a year is lost in elder financialabuse.

And not all the abuse is reported. At the very high end, a 2015True Link study estimated the loss at $36.5 billion.

In general, any irregular activity in an elderly relative'sbanking records or financial activities is a red flag.

Signals of possible trouble include excessive withdrawals,nonpayment of bills, missing deposits of pension or Social Securitychecks, repetitive payment of bills, unusual wire transfers, or asudden or uncharacteristic burst of internet banking.

“The first thing I tell consumers and people within financialinstitutions—and people miss this all the time—is to take itseriously if the older person is complaining about something funnygoing on with their accounts,” said Elizabeth Loewy, generalcounsel for the financial monitoring service EverSafe andformer head of the Manhattan District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit.(Fidelity offers EverSafe's product to its clients at adiscount.)

At the DA’s office, Loewy found that ageism would lead people topooh-pooh an elderly person’s complaints. “Often people weredismissed as paranoid, or just old, when they were right,” shesaid.

Financial services and software providers are working on newservices and tools to help catch such abuses. Meanwhile, a clearerand more detailed picture of a parent’s finances can help you keephim or her financially healthy with the advancing years, even ifthe scammers never strike.

How to start the conversation? Not at a table groaning withholiday dishes after three glasses of wine, advises Hillary Illick,a life coach at Life Matters in Cambridge, Mass. (Illick is also aconsultant to Cogniscient, a firm focused on issuessurrounding financial management and cognitive decline. It hasbuilt a software platform for use in the financialservices industry.)

Find the right time and place and frame the conversation asbeing for the whole family’s well-being, as insurance to protectparents in retirement, Illick said.

“The discussion is that we don’t want to invade your privacy—wereally don’t want to know your day-do-day spending—but we want toprotect you and your estate in retirement,” she said. Bymaking it clear you don’t want to be involved in the dailyfinances—at least until you really need to be—you remove athreat.

“The surprise in the survey,” said Suzanne Schmitt, Fidelity’svice president of Family Engagement, “was just how important thepremium was for older people on managing their day-to-day money,and how resistant people were to getting professional help or helpfrom loved ones with that.”

Schmitt suggests families focus at first on long-term issues,like investments and estate planning, and making sure allbeneficiaries are designated on all accounts, that there is acurrent and complete will, a health-care proxy, and a livingwill.

Some of the suggested language on web sites for starting theseconversations can feel trite or forced. Illick suggests starting by“communicating about the communication.” You want to manageexpectations and just say, “I’m going to have a discussion that’skind of delicate and may be difficult for all of us. When is a goodtime?”

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