Called the doctor back. She prescribed another drug—a powder this time. It doesn't dissolve. Result = swallowing something very similar to lemon-flavored beach sand.

Called the doctor again and requested a pill. She said to call [Acme] and see what cholesterol meds they cover.

10 a.m.—Call the customer service number to find out if I'm on the basic or plus plan so I can look online for the preferred drug list. Put on hold.

10:07 a.m.—She returns, tells me I've got the wrong department, and transfers me.

10:13 a.m.—A lady named Zee answers. I again explain that I need to know what plan I'm on and which drugs are covered. She puts me on hold.

10:18 a.m.—Zee returns and says she doesn't know what plan I'm on and can't tell me what drugs are covered because that isn't her line of business. I ask her to connect me with someone who can help me. On hold again.

10:23 a.m.—She comes back and says she can't find anyone who can tell me the plan, but the pharmacist can tell me about covered drugs. On hold.

10:29 a.m.—Some woman named Alex answers. Listens. Tells me she has to transfer me. On hold again.

10:32 a.m.—Someone I absolutely cannot understand picks up. I try to explain. He can't understand me either. On hold.

10:35 a.m.—Charles answers. I again explain. He can't help me because it's not his area. On hold again.

10:40 a.m.—Zee comes back on the line, thanks me for holding, and tells me that she can now transfer me to the pharmacist. On hold again.

10:47 a.m.—Charles is back. He escapes again. On hold.

10:54 a.m.—We're back to Zee. She says hi like we're old friends. I mumble. On hold again.

10:59 a.m.—Some guy named John says he can help me resolve my problem with (some heart medication I've never heard of). I tell him I don't have heart problems and have never taken that drug but suggest he go ahead and tell me about it because I'm sure I'll need it before the morning's over. He doesn't understand my sense of humor. I explain the situation and ask, once again, which plan I'm on and which cholesterol drugs are covered. On hold again.

11:12 a.m.—John is back—he has the list! Do I have a pen and pencil, he asks (yes, pen and pencil). He starts spelling out the drugs. After No. 5, I ask how many there are. He says, after counting, 23. I ask if he can email, fax, or mail the list to me. No, they don't have that capability. I ask who does. No one. I ask for a supervisor. He is the supervisor.

Then I let him have it. SOMEONE… SOMEWHERE… in the Acme organization has to have a computer, a printer, a piece of paper, a stamp—some way to get the information to me without me having to write down EVERY SINGLE DRUG!

11:24 a.m.—John is silent. I'm hyperventilating – feeling like I need him to send paramedics and a huge dose of the heart medicine he told me about earlier. Finally, John asks, “Are you aware we're in the Philippines?” I say no, I asked for a Texas number in the beginning and thought we were still in the United States. Nope, I was transferred by good ol' Zee.

“After my shift,” he says, “I will copy the list and email it to you from home. I'm not supposed to, but I will.”

I say thank you and we hang up. It's 11:28 a.m.

I still don't know if I'm on the basic or plus plan. And I don't know what to tell my doctor. “Acme sucks” covers it for me, but she'll probably want more info. 

And I'm pretty sure John will go home and have a stiff drink and forget all about emailing me the list.