When striving to build resilience and obstacles arise, set expectations realistically, do the research and talk to people who've been in a similar position. (Photo: Shutterstock)

Many of us strive to the best: the best business owner, the best employee, the best parent. But we stumble along the way. Mistakes are a natural part of any journey, but it's how one adapts and reacts that determine how resilient an individual is. But there is more to being resilient than just overcoming obstacles. How we think, accept pain and let go of things in our lives factor into resiliency. And while everyone may be stylistically different in these regards, resilience can be developed and learned.

“I think resilience is a coin that has two sides,” Alex Lickerman, author of The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self, told attendees of the recent BenefitsPRO Broker Expo in Miami, Florida. The first side deals with adversity and how well someone can thrive in the face of such an event; the flip side relates to how much determination and passion someone has when reaching a goal, regardless of the obstacles that arise. With this in mind, here are four principles Lickerman shared about learning to be resilient.

1. Expect obstacles

When embarking on something new, whether it be sticking to a New Year's resolution or switching career paths, most people will expect challenges along the way. But the degree to which expectations determine our experience factor more than one might assume. “The expectations that we have for an experience or an event often have a greater impact on the experience of an event than the content of the event itself,” Lickerman said.

For example, a father sets out to learn to play the saxophone. After three days, he quits after unsuccessfully being able to produce a sound. But if he had known it may take upwards of two weeks to produce any noise whatsoever, his expectations would've been more measured. Additionally, when working towards a goal, many of us will look to a mentor for guidance. However, Lickerman says what we often don't do enough is ask said mentor about the obstacles that they might've endured along the way.

When striving to build resilience and obstacles arise, Lickerman's advice is to set expectations realistically, do the research and talk to people who've been in a similar position.

2. Self-explanatory style

When we reflect on why things happen a certain way, we're telling ourselves a story. With resilience, the self-explanatory style determines whether one's outlook is pessimistic or optimistic.

The self-explanatory style is also composed of three dimensions: the degree to which a bad thing happens because of some permanent deficit to us (“I didn't get that client because I'm just not charismatic enough.”); scope (“Not only did I not get this client, it's going to affect every aspect of my life.”); and duration (“Not only is it going to affect every part of my life, the impact of this failure is going to go on indefinitely.”)

Some individuals have a pessimistic self-explanatory style or an optimistic self-explanatory style. A study Lickerman cited found that a pessimistic self-explanatory style can predict risk of depression, which can affect how likely an individual will try again or how much harder they'll try in the future. Both styles have subsets (naïve optimistic self-explanatory style, realistic optimistic self-explanatory style, depressive pessimistic self-explanatory style and defensive pessimistic self-explanatory style), each with its own pros and cons.

“When something bad happens to us, we immediately snap to judgment,” Lickerman said. It's something we do unconsciously and we end up believing the story we tell ourselves. His advice: Whenever something bad happens, whatever your style may be, pause, write down a list of why this might've happened and challenge yourself to think, “What if I'm wrong?” Rather than believe the story we often tell ourselves, look for alternative explanations. This will help foster a sense of resilience.

3. Accept pain

“Pain is actually life sustaining,” Lickerman said. “Pain is protective. There's a reason it evolved for us.” According to Lickerman pain is created in two parts of the brain: one measures pain's quality, the other pain's aversive nature.

The problem with avoiding pain is that it often creates more suffering. For example, when we attempt to suppress our worries, they can loom even larger and lead to more worrying. In actuality, accepting and feeling pain lowers its intensity.

How can you leverage this principle to be more resilient? Lickerman suggested one way is with a new type of therapy called A.C.T. (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

4. Let go

“Being resilient must to some degree involve being able to let things go in your heart that you not able to keep in your life,” Lickerman said.

There are two styles when it comes to loss: sense making and benefit finding. When we lose something precious to us, we try to make sense of it. Conversely, benefit finding creates value in the most horrific moments. Ultimately, over time, focusing on the benefits will help accelerate the grieving process.

Lickerman admitted that dealing with loss is never easy, but “at some point, you want to ask yourself, was there a benefit that accrued to me as a result of this loss?”

In total, adapting these principles can help grow the resilient nature we all possess. Learning resilience will be a challenge, but the end result in the long run will be well worth it.

Read more of our Expo coverage:

• Broker Expo keynote: How to create your S-T-A-M-P
• Meeting with the C-Suite: Don't mention health insurance
• Knowing your worth, and other strategies for brokers to build their businesses